My little one cries with a torn paper in her hands. Right now her biggest 3-year-old problem is that her big sister ripped her artwork. Her feelings are real as tears run down her cheeks and so I do the only thing I can. I grab some tape and get to work trying to get those pieces to fit back together. At first she continues to cry, but as I focus in on some of the tinier pieces she gets quiet and starts to watch.
And soon she is squealing with delight saying “It’s gonna be beautiful!” and I think to myself that right now I can come to her rescue by kissing boo-boos and taping artwork and then all is right in her world again. These are the most magical moments of motherhood.
But my wheels continue to turn, because that’s just how I roll. And I go from enjoying this simple moment to battling with the sinking feeling in my gut that this moment is fleeting. One day she will come crying to me with broken things that are much harder to fix. Broken things that I will be unable to mend. And my heart begins to ache at the thought of not being able to kiss her boo boos away forever.
And the wheels turn faster. It’s quite a talent I have, really.
Today I texted with a mom who has become apart of our lives through Safe Families for Children and she is working so hard to get out of the shelter she is in with her little girls. She is a great mom and such a hard worker, but she was not born into circumstances which put opportunity in front of her. She’s fought an uphill battle for so long. She is tired as she continues to march forward and it just doesn’t seem fair. And I am reminded what bringing people in crisis into your life can feel like . It means feeling like you are standing on the front lines in a war and deciding it is your responsibility to care. So you run to one injured soldier and there are huge gaping wounds but all you have are small bandages…so you do what you can but know it’s not enough and then you look up to see so many more who have fallen while you were trying to clean up the first mess. And it makes your heart so weary.
And so I say in my head, as I hand the taped up paper to my now-happy little girl, “I won’t always be able to fix her problems. And if I can’t fix her, how will I ever fix anyone else?”
And I hear a still small voice say, oh so lovingly, “You won’t. You don’t have to. I will.”
And He will. We wait around for God to show up when things start to unravel. But He is omnipresent. He has already shown up. He just waits for us to show up. And if I have shown up, no matter how ill-equipped, then that is enough.
And so all of this leads me to my word. I am so thankful that Compassion International does this yearly assignment for it’s bloggers. Because resolutions have always been a huge fail for me. But focusing on a word has been a great way to go through the year.
My word for 2014 is:
This year has been full of my eyes being opened to the very real issues of poverty and crisis and hurt. God has changed my heart and shown me that the least of these are my brothers and sisters and that should inspire action. While I am so full of love, I often wear myself out trying to figure out the mess that comes along with loving people well. I have these moments where I try so hard to fix it all myself that I leave God out of the equation until I come running to Him all broken and exhausted because there was no way I was meant to carry a burden that heavy on my own.
In 2014, I want to focus on resting in who He is, knowing that what I am capable of doesn’t matter nearly as much as His strength and His ability. And I will continue to work and fight and love when it hurts, but I won’t take a step alone. I am looking forward to finding more rest in Him. And it is my own sneaking suspicion that He will be able to get a lot more done through me with me fully trusting Him instead of trying to figure out how to solve things on my own.
As a wife, as a mother, as a daughter of the Most High…as a boo-boo kisser and homeless person lover…as a woman full of big feelings and big dreams, I will seek after rest in Him.
What is your word?
Until the next blog…be blessed!
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