The guttural voice she pushed out between sobs will stay with me forever. Her words echoing in my mind throughout the day. I will be changing his diaper or carrying him on my hip and I will hear it again. “Please….please, just take care of my son.” So much finality in her words. The heaviness is not lost on me.
I am thankful that I get to surrender these heavy burdens to Jesus. I will have comfort. I will have hope. I will have joy in the midst of all of this sorrow. I will be equipped to do what I need to do. I have everything that I need. My heart is so grateful for that. But I hate knowing that for now, she is still trying to carry all of her burdens. She gathers them all up and grips them tightly. She won’t let go. She is lost in her mental illness. She is still defined by the trauma that she’s both received and given in abundance. I pray she can somehow see Jesus in me. Hear Him in my words. I know that I’m not enough and that I can’t save her. But I know the one who can. And I pray that she will someday come to know Him… to know that He has said that we can come to Him when we are weary and heavy-laden. To know what it means to experience His kind of rest.
We have spoken to a lot of families in crisis over the years. Cried lots of tears with Mommies who had collapsed beneath their burdens. But I have never heard so much desperation, so much sadness. It felt wrong to listen to such a young voice with that much pain. All I can hear is a broken child and it makes my soul ache.
Remember when I talked about the importance of me being willing to let my heart break for the sake of these children that come in and out of my home? What is more overwhelming is the way you grow to love these children’s mommies. The fierce longing you feel to protect them. The way you have to keep yourself from trying to “fix” them. The way you have to remind yourself that your job is to walk alongside these women (or girls) and not push them in the direction you think is best. The way you realize how much you don’t know…how much you don’t understand. The way you grieve for them and care for them. When we started this work I thought it was all about the children. It’s been so much more about the mothers than I could have imagined.
I had every intention of posting today about a series I’m working on for Good Friday. I’m really excited to share it with you guys. But for now, this is more important. Will you join me in praying for this precious young Mommy in her time of need? Thank you so much!