Layla is turning 5!!

In just 16 days I will have a 5-year-old. This girl is growing in overdrive. Growing out of clothes, growing out of shoes, losing her first tooth, developing a hilarious sense of humor, starting an individual relationship with God. And I’m just crazy about her! I try to make “birthday posts” for each kid when they get a year older so that they’ll be able to look back on them when they are older and since we’ll have family in town the week of her birthday and things will be busy up until that point, I am writing Layla’s now!

Layla,

The Bible says that when we follow Christ, we are adopted as children of God.

Ephesians 1:5 “God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.”

The opportunity to call you daughter, though you did not come from my womb, has been incredible for so many reasons. You are a pleasure to spend time with. You are bright and inquisitive. Your vocabulary consistently amazes me. You are witty and energetic.  You are determined and strong. You refuse to get discouraged when you struggle with your sensory disorder. Even your hardest days of occupational therapy are still full of laughs and smiles. You are so many things that Mommy is not. Outgoing, extroverted, thriving on communication with others.  You’ve forced me to be more personable because it is of the utmost importance for you to say hello to every person in our general area when we’re out in public. And that has made me better. You will talk about Jesus with anyone who will listen to you.  In fact, last week when we left the gym, you cried for at least ten minutes because you didn’t get the chance to talk with your friends in childcare about Him. I love your heart. I love the way you always remember to pray for those who are less fortunate than us.  Many times, you are my accountability.  At 5-years-old, Layla, you are already an inspiration.  So of course, for all of those reasons, I count you as a gift from God. However, one of the biggest reasons I count you as one of our greatest gifts is because, adopting you has reminded your Dad and me time and time again of what God meant when he refers to US as adopted.

The first time I saw you, that was it for me. I was in love. Daddy had the same reaction.  And all we could do was seek after you.  It consumed us.  Our love grew and grew along with the deep longing to be your parents. And the way we rejoiced when we got word that you would indeed be ours was a kind of rejoicing that is so rare, so full, so intense. And to think, Layla, that our Father in heaven does the same for us when we come to Him. Isn’t that incredible?!

The day you came home with us, all the days before that were forgotten for us. All the tears, all the missing you, all the worries about what would happen.  Immediately, it was as if you were always ours. No different than if I would have physically given birth to you. The days of you not legally being ours were erased.  And now, in our day to day lives, we always forget you are adopted.  Over time your mannerisms have become like ours, your humor has become like ours, your facial expressions have become like ours…because you ARE ours! And it’s important for me to explain that, because I want you to know that’s how God feels about us.  When we come into His family and get to know Him and study His words, the past is erased.  Our sins are forgiven and forgotten and we begin to take on His mannerisms. We start to talk and think like Him. We become more and more like Him. And oh how He must delight in that!

The security that you have found in Mommy & Daddy, the assurance that we will always love you and never leave you…those are great things to have. But I pray, more than anything else, that you will come to know and understand how much MORE you can count on our Father in heaven.  May that love transform you every day. Daddy and I love you more than we knew it was possible to love a little human. But Layla, all that love is nothing compared to how greatly you are loved by God.  While we will fall short, He will always be enough.  And if we, with all of our imperfection, are capable of delighting in you like we do, can you imagine how much more you are adored by the perfect One who is the very definition of love?  I pray you will grasp that at a young age because that knowledge changes everything. It gives us assurance in our salvation, it gives us the confidence to be who we are in Christ, it compels us to serve him with our whole hearts.  It is so important, Layla.

Before you were created in your birth mother’s womb, Layla, God knew you.  Before you were born he had set you apart.  He has a specific purpose for your life that was planned before we even knew your name.  From the beginning of time God has known your name. He has known from the start that we would be your Mommy & Daddy, known exactly who you would be and what He had in mind for you. We are so excited to get to watch that plan unfold.  We promise to be in your corner, praying for you and cheering you on no matter where He leads you! We love you so much and are already incredibly proud of who you are becoming! It is a pleasure to call you my daughter. Happy Birthday, baby girl!

Layla

Running

Something I don’t often share with people is the fact that I really love to run. I’m not “into” fitness and you’ll likely never see me sign up for one of the trendy 5Ks that are out there these days. But getting on a treadmill at the gym with some good music is therapy for me. I don’t really share it because I’m not a great runner. I constantly alternate between powerwalking, jogging and full on running. I’m not a cute runner. I get way sweatier than everyone else and my face gets super flushed. It’s not pretty. I am all over the treadmill and am incredibly awkward looking but I love it anyway. But I don’t want to run with you. No offense. I don’t want to meet at the gym and work out together. I may really, really like you…but I’m sooo not down with you watching me have my “therapy” because you will ask me 5 times if I’m okay since I’ll likely look like I’m going to die and I’ll be too focused on making sure my breathing doesn’t sound like I’m going to keel over at any second and won’t really enjoy the time. So, if I’m so private about it, why am I sharing this on my blog today? Bear with me. I’ve got a point, I promise.

Today on the treadmill I was listening to this song at about my second mile:

 

And I was getting to the point that I was ready to quit. Yes, it hurts so good. But then it just hurts and you’re ready to stop hurting. My dilemma was that I actually really like this song. And it feels good to jog to it. So I pressed on, singing “Your name is Jesus, risen from the dead. You are the Glory, Lifter of our head. You have the only name, by which we can be saved…” and I get so caught up in the truth of those words that I forget about the hurt and am able to keep moving. I look down at the treadmill and realize I was right at the end of my run, nearing mile 3 out of nowhere. Yes, my face and upper body were red enough to put the worst case of sunburn to shame, yes I was drenched in sweat and my ponytail was sticking to the back of my neck. Sure, my shoes were beat up and I was thirsty and tired. But I made it. And, my goodness, if that’s not a metaphor for life I don’t know what is.

Hebrews 12:1 Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Though the goal we run toward can seem so far away. Keep on moving. persevere. It might be an awkward run. Sometimes it might just be a powerwalk. But keep moving.

“Your name is Jesus, risen from the dead…”

And your shoes might be worn out and your knees may buckle with exhaustion. But keep moving.

“You are the Glory, Lifter of our head…”

It might not be a pretty or graceful run. And it might look like everyone else around you is rocking their race, looking good doing it. But, red-faced and heavy-breathing keep moving.

“You have the only name, by which we can be saved.”

And friends, although my race is not yet over, I tell you with certainty that one day I will complete what is required and I will rejoice! And I might be beat up, and thirsty and tired…but none of that will matter.

Keep moving, friends. And I will too. And then one day we will get to say from experience:

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
2 Timothy 4:7

I don’t know where you’re at in this “race” for Christ. Maybe you’re just starting, full of energy and eager to move forward. Maybe you’ve been doing this for awhile and you’re beyond the point of exhaustion and ready to quit. No matter where you are, God sees you. You are not alone in this race. Our Savior goes before us. Be encouraged, take heart. He will equip you with everything you need to get through.

Until the next blog…be blessed!

Knowing Jesus

I have been struggling for the last couple of months to write this post. It’s been heavy on my heart. Each time I have sat at the computer, ready to put my thoughts into words, my fingers freeze and I’m left with nothing. Partially because this is a message that is STILL wrecking me and changing the way I’ve looked at Christianity for so long. Partially because you can’t hear my voice, you can only read my words, and I’m terrified this will be interpreted as harsh or unloving when in reality I have to talk about this BECAUSE of love. Not from a pedestal. From a place of deep inadequacy, leaning on the Lord to equip me with the right words. It’s a little daunting, folks.

Here is what is on my heart: I have, in the last couple of years, realized the importance of, not just reading the Bible, but studying the word of God and judging everything I hear from speakers, teachers and preachers with what scripture says. It was not a Sunday sermon or midweek lesson that shook me to my core, it was the words of Christ himself. And now my heart is heavy with the overwhelming thought that so many of us who wear the name Christian are not actually Christ followers. Why?

“Not everyone who says to me, “Lord, Lord,” will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, “Lord, Lord did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?” Then I will tell them plainly, “I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!”

I think it’s obvious, in Matthew 7 that Jesus is talking about people who will consider themselves Christians. They will have served in the church, they will have said a prayer and listened to sermons but still never really know Jesus for themselves. And according to the Bible, when it’s all said and done, we won’t see them in heaven. I’m not making it up guys. This should shake us. Or what about this one?

Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.”

The word “hard” in that scripture, is the same Hebrew word that Jesus used in other parts of the Bible to describe pain, persecution and trouble. The Jesus who loved us so much that he gave his life on the CHANCE that we would choose to follow him also said things like “For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.” (Matthew 16:25)

And I’m afraid that we are not losing our lives. We are living our lives for ourselves and sprinkling a few Christian ideas on top and calling ourselves followers of Christ. And I use the word “we” because it is my struggle, too. We don’t really want to commit too much. “Jesus calls SOME to sacrificial living, but certainly not me,” we say to rationalize our living for ourselves. The truth is, Jesus isn’t going to call everyone to sell all of their earthly possessions and move to another country to preach the gospel. He isn’t going to call every Christian to die as a martyr. But what if he DOES call us? Are we listening? Does that scare us? And if it does scare us, why? Do we not know who He is well enough to trust Him? Do we really love Him more than our family, our careers, our stuff? Or will we love Him only on the condition that He doesn’t ask us to do anything hard?

No, works won’t save us. Only by grace we are saved. But if that grace doesn’t move us to a radical life change then we haven’t really accepted it. Yes, the Bible says in Acts 16 “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved.” But for the church in Acts, the word “believe” meant so much more than an intellectual agreement that Jesus was real and died for us. Even the Devil believes that. The people who were “Believing in the Lord Jesus” in Acts were doing so in a time of great persecution, when Christians were being tormented, jailed and even burned at the stake. Their belief entailed great commitment. And it’s a commitment I am afraid many of us lack today.

Will you search your heart as I continue to search mine? Will you be sure that when your time on earth is over that you hear “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”? I love you, whether I know you in real life or you are just a follower of my blog. In the imperfect love I offer you, I want you to come to know Christ. Not just “be a good person” or accept that Jesus was probably real…but really know him and have a relationship with him. And if in my imperfect love for you, I am able to desire the best for you, how much more do you think Jesus seeks after you? We must try to turn a deaf ear to the prosperity preaching of today that promises earthly reward and treats God as nothing more than a genie that can make our every earthly wish come true and to willingly give up earthly treasures in order to better store up our treasures in heaven. This world is temporary, but what Christ offers is everlasting. You will find, as I am finding, that in total self abandonment you will receive so much more than you could have imagined or obtained on your own; a life that is abundant with love and joy and peace no matter the circumstances. I long for that for you, in this short life you are living and also in eternity.

Until the next blog…be blessed!

…because my filling fell out.

It’s amazing to me, how often the ordinary can become extraordinary. A quick trip, a random smile, a simple hello. They can lead to these big moments. We think it’s going to just be a regular day with regular errands but God has a way of even using our mundane tasks for His glory.

My filling fell out. I whined and complained about it- because who has time for a filling to fall out? And why did it fall out? I follow the rules…besides the no drinking coffee rule because, come on. I’m an exhausted Mommy of 3 littles with a never ending to do list and coffee is my saving grace most mornings. On a particularly rough week, I may even wake up a morning or two to find that my sweet husband has already made my coffee. He’ll slide it over to me without saying a word and slowly walk away until it is safe to approach again. He’s a good man.

ANYWAY, so my filling fell out and I went to the dentist. I had what seemed to be an ordinary appointment until I went to the receptionist’s desk to schedule my next cleaning. The receptionist’s name is Jessica and my name is Jesika, so we exchanged pleasantries about how she often wished her name was spelled “cool” and I often wished my name was spelled “normal.” And then it happened. She spilled her guts. I have no idea why. Maybe I looked approachable and safe, standing there scheduling my next appointment. Maybe it was the prompting of the Holy Spirit. Maybe she had just reached her limit and would have put it all out there for anyone that would listen.

Her stepson is 5-years-old. She’s exhausted. She’s tried everything. And then she goes on to describe a little boy version of our 4-year-old sweet girl with Sensory Processing Disorder. She says her pediatrician wants to medicate him and she feels uncomfortable with that but doesn’t know what to do and she just feels so alone. And I got to share with her about all the improvements Layla has made since starting Occupational Therapy and how many tools we have learned that have helped us survive with a special needs kiddo. She asked for our Neurologist’s phone number and I gave it to her. But most importantly, I got to tell her that she’s not alone. That God is always there and that the world of kids with different needs than the average kid seems small and remote but really it’s just private and quiet and not often shared openly. This tired step momma who is doing everything she knows to survive and help and cope is not alone. There are lots of us. And in reminding her I got to remind myself of that very same thing. Behind that pretty smile on her face was a broken, worn out woman just waiting for a good cry. There are so many of us “in hiding.” I thank God she was able to take off the mask for a moment and just put it out there. It reminds me of how important it is for us to do that. I was so happy to share with her that God knows exactly what He’s doing and has a special plan for her boy.

I promised to pray for her little guy. Will you join me in praying for him? I don’t know his name, but God knows exactly who he is! Will you pray for that sweet receptionist, Jessica? Will you pray for me, when I am tired and worn out? This week we feel good. Other weeks I am on the cusp of laying it all out there for a random stranger, too. Maybe we all need to do that a little more often. Maybe then we could stop competing with one another and start loving each other a little better. Maybe we would receive a sweet reminder that we are never really alone in return.

Until the next blog…be blessed!

Good Friday

This morning we woke up, sat around the kitchen table and spoke with the kids about what this day means. We asked them what they thought about it and then we prayed together. After we prayed, my husband led us into communion. It was the kids’ first time taking communion and it was no less sacred in our home and in pajamas than it is dressed up in our Sunday best at church. In fact, we felt the presence of God in an amazing way, sitting there in our pajamas drinking our grape juice and breaking bread in remembrance of Him. Kevin wasn’t just husband and dad, he was truly the spiritual leader of our home in that moment. And we were standing on holy ground, there in that kitchen, if only for a while. It is a tradition we agreed to start this year that I know I will look forward to for years to come.

We finger-painted paper crosses and I had to step away to have a good cry. It is overwhelming, what He has done for us. And it brings me so much joy thinking about the fact that our kids are finally starting to grasp what I am STILL trying to fully comprehend. That He loves us so. That His sacrifice, not our good deed or attempts to be enough, has saved us. And He is enough. It’s starting to “stick” with them, even if they don’t understand all the details. I know this, because of little moments here and there. Like after communion was over and done and we were onto the next thing and I heard Bryson praying. I had made some pancakes for breakfast and I hear his little voice say “Thank you for these pancakes, Jesus…and thank you for saving us. Amen.”

Until the next blog…be blessed!

Layla’s Neurology Appointment

Today was Layla’s 6 month neurological follow up. I’ve noticed that we’ve slowly but surely grown into a family that is accustomed to having some special needs. I remember in the beginning I got nervous a lot. I cried with good or bad news. I refused to acknowledge that Layla had differences and delays. It’s interesting to see how much that has changed. I have no idea when it happened, when we adjusted. We have grown to enjoy her weekly occupational therapy.  I don’t cry often anymore about her neurological disorder. I didn’t spend this week feeling sick to my stomach about this appointment like I would have in the past. Kevin said the other day “I get it now. She has special needs. I felt like I would be cheating her if I looked at her like that, but I realize not acknowledging it was doing her a disservice. It’s better now that I accept it.” And he’s right. It’s better. Thank God, it’s better.

According to her neurologist, while still delayed, Layla has made cognitive improvements and her muscle rigidity causing her to toe walk isn’t as severe (she still does walk on her toes a majority of the time, so we’ll soon be adding in physical therapy once a week in addition to her occupational therapy). Because of these improvements, he feels that she will continue to respond to her therapy in a positive way. That’s great news! She will continue weekly OT indefinitely. As I said previously, we will also eventually add in PT once a week. He said that with processing disorders, not only do people have a hard time getting their brain to process sensory stimuli, but sometimes they have a hard time processing thoughts and words. That seems to be the case with Layla right now, too so we may need to also add speech therapy to the list. We are taking a wait and see approach for 3 months and then we will find out if we need to add that to the therapies we will already be taking her to or if maybe they can incorporate speech therapy in school since her medical team wants her to try public school for a year.

On evaluation of MRI, her spinal cord is not tethered, which is great news! It looks completely normal. There is an issue with her bladder which apparently did not develop properly in her birth mother’s womb as well as bladder distension and so we will have to follow up on that as well. She also has hydronephrosis of the right kidney so after we discuss with her pediatrician, there will be a urology referral.

I feel weird that I haven’t cried about all of this. In the past, this is something that would have made me cry. But I just keep hearing in my head, “God has assigned Layla her portion and her cup…He has made her lot secure.” This is what God has assigned to Layla. So it’s for her eternal good. He has a reason and a plan that is far beyond our understanding and He will give us, and most importantly her, the strength needed to get through. We are getting stronger and more resilient and that’s a good thing!

Please continue to pray for Layla. Specifically, pray that she continues to respond to therapy. There was a point a couple of weeks ago that she was having regressions in OT and that was REALLY scary. We need for that to not happen. So pray she continues to progress. Also pray that there will be no damage done to her kidney and that she doesn’t have long term issues with her bladder. Please pray for continued peace for all of us. Right now, we feel strong…but there have been and will continue to be very weak moments and we will need to feel Christ near all the more.

I can’t thank you all enough for the prayers and for the support you have given us. A big thank you to each and every one of you that remember to ask how Layla is doing or offer to help. We are so blessed to have an incredible support system…it really makes all the difference.

Until the next blog…be blessed!